5 Easy Steps to Better Communication

Communication is one of the most important skills you need to ensure a long happy relationship, yet our society teaches us to be pretty ineffective at doing it. After helping countless couples stuck in a cycle of relationship conflict due to continuous misunderstandings, here are the 5 easy steps you can take today to drastically shift the way you and your partner communicate.

Step 1 - Prepare yourself

Now, more than ever before, couples are inundated with distractions. From social media, never-ending notifications, kids, and the ever-blurring lines between work and life.

There is always something that is going on that can keep you from really connecting to your spouse. Good communication requires us to be fully present.

If you find yourself distracted when your partner starts to talk to you ask them to pause for a moment, and let them know you need to finish whatever it is that is holding your attention because you want to be fully present with them.

This lets your partner know they are important. Prepare to shift the focus away from yourself so you can tune into your partner’s world. Remember, at this moment, it’s not about being interesting, it’s about being INTERESTED.

Step 2- Tune in to your partner

Most of us are taught to respond when listening to others, that’s how they will know we were listening. This isn’t entirely wrong, but when your response comes too early it often leaves your partner feeling unheard and uncared for. This can lead to anger and resentment which often brings couples into therapy.

Instead, you want to tune into your partner’s world. Listen from a place of curiosity versus understanding. Often times couples feel like they understand their partner, but they are understanding from their own point of view. This is where most miscommunication comes from.

When you listen, don’t take responsibility for your partner’s feelings, don’t try to make your partner feel better, and resist the urge to fix their problem. If your spouse is angry, sad, crying, or afraid it can be hard to not interject and try to help make things better.

If you notice this coming up for you, take a few moments to practice self-soothing. One thing you can try is taking a few, long, slow, deep breaths, while simply noticing the feelings that come up in your body.

Step 3 - Reflect Back

We all interpret the world through our own unique lens, which is influenced by our upbringing, life experiences, beliefs, and values. When you reflect back on what you heard your partner say you begin to see where your own lens may be different than theirs.

By doing this, your partner has the opportunity to correct you, and it prevents them from feeling like you don’t get them because you rushed into telling them you understand. A big part of listening is witnessing. When you listen to witness your partner no longer feels alone in their experience.

When you reflect back on what you hear, you want to avoid simply repeating back word for word what was said. Instead, repeat back what you heard in your own words. You can say something like “I hear that you’re saying … (fill in the blank with your own words) … and it makes sense to me why you would feel that way because (fill in the blank with your own words).”

Step 4- Ask questions

Questions are a great way to deepen your understanding of your partner’s inner world. Try to ask open-ended questions. These are questions that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. 

Open-ended questions give your partner the opportunity to tell you even more about what they are thinking and feeling. Remember, within each emotion, there is a longing. Try to understand the longing.

When listening to anger a common pitfall is taking it personally. When we hear feelings we don’t like we often try to change them. Instead try asking questions like: “ What are your concerns?”, “ What do you need?”, or “What can I do to be helpful to you?”.  

When listening to your partner’s fears a common pitfall is to minimize by being reassuring. This can come across as you invalidating a legitimate concern. To listen to the fear, instead of dismissing it, ask questions like: “What has happened recently to make you feel this way?” and “What do you need to feel safe?”. 

Step 5- Share yourself

Up until this point, better communication in your relationship has been all about listening. By this point in the conversation, your partner is going to feel heard, understood, and supported. They are now ready to hear about you. If you have been wanting to offer a solution or piece of advice, now would be the time to ask your partner if they want to hear it.

This is the time to open up your heart and share about yourself. Don't stay invisible, your partner wants to know you and be a part of your life. How might you do that?  You can share what you enjoy, what is stressful for you, what you are struggling with, or your own personal experience with similar emotions or situations your partner was sharing. 

Practice

As you begin implementing these steps to create better communication in your relationship, it’s normal if the flow feels weird. All new skills feel this way as you’re learning them. Over time this way of communicating will become second nature and flow smoothly. The reduction in misunderstanding and increased intimacy in your relationship will be worth the learning curve.

Want to discover more areas in your relationship in which you can improve, check out The Gottman’s relationship check-up today. If you find yourself needing a little more assistance in moving through the roadblocks in your relationship reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to learn how couples counseling can help you create an epic relationship.

If you try these simple yet effective tips for creating better communication in your relationship, let us know in the comments below how they worked for you and your partner.